Ideal self

The ideal person you wish to be,
That perfect image you’re aiming for,
What if part of you is already free
And you are that deep in your core?
We’re afraid to do what we want,
Or idle in front of the change,
And it remains merely a taunt,
There, but still out of range.
But if we know we’re already that,
We’re less scared of losing the way.
We know where we want to get at,
And the path on which we should stay.
So think of things that better you
Instead of unexpected evolutions,
As things that bring out your true
And keep looking for solutions.

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Just a cat

I’m just a kitten to you, aren’t I?
I’ve been so proud of my claws and fangs
I forgot that I’m still something small
That looks fluffy and adorable to you,
But you could grab the scruff of my neck,
Pick me up and throw me across the room
If I ever sank those tiny claws too much.
I forgot you were just indulging me
While I purred what I thought were roars,
And batted so viciously at things
That you had made sure in advance
Could never strike back at me.
I forgot that for all my ‘hunting’ skill
I come back to the bowl you fill for me,
And rub against your legs for attention.
I just forgot. I’ve grown, indeed,
From the little ball of fur you first saw
To something that does have fangs.
But I think my eyes only grew now
Because I just realized what I am.
A Bengal – but the cat, not the tiger.
You were the latter. I looked at you
And let the similarities fool me,
Believed my spots to be the real deal
And thought myself already a leopard.
But that’s ok. I’m still growing.
You never know what I’ll end up becoming.
Or maybe I’ll become wiser instead,
And learn to purr and look adorable
Before I launch straight for the eyes
Of those who I fool into approaching.
I only mustn’t forget that I’m just a cat.

Let me

Let me rest my head on you,
Your heart beating a steady rhythm in my ear
Through the heat of your soft, perfumed skin.
Cradle my body, and let me cuddle, just once
A tight ball in the only place I feel safe.
I can taste the salt of your skin on my lips,
And it makes me intoxicated,
The only drink to bring that buzz to my fingertips,
Or to make you so bright and the world so dim.
Let me close my eyes against the spin of the room,
And use my other senses, secure in the knowledge
That I’m as oriented as I could ever be,
Held close by the center of my universe.
Let it unfurl in my belly,
That coil of thoughts and careful considerations,
Let me throw them all on the winds of passion,
And catch little bits of myself on the breeze.
Let me rediscover how it is to discover
The secrets of who I really am when I’m allowed,
When I trust us enough to be me.

Why I fell for you

I think I finally figured out
Why I fell for you of all people.
You make me feel so safe.
I have a bad track record with love.
The second I start to have feelings,
I’m already bracing for the disaster
And the people around me periodically
Make sure to reinforce that point.
I’m terrified of loving someone.
But I feel like I am safe with you,
Because it would never happen.
Not because I couldn’t love you –
My, there are so many reasons why
It would be the most natural thing,
A second of inattention, a slip.
I’d have to always be on my guard
So my heart wouldn’t run like a fool,
Full speed, searching for your arms.
But I wouldn’t let it happen,
Because the price is so much higher.
Everybody else broke pieces of me.
It hurt, but I’m excellent at puzzles,
So I just put myself back together,
Brushing up on my skills as I do,
Maybe rearranging some of my parts
In a way that I find that I like more
And have been meaning to for a while.
You, though. You are something else.
You have the power to shatter me,
To turn it into dust instead of pieces,
Not because you’d want to destroy me,
But you’d mean too much to me.
I’d let you far too deeply inside,
And you’d instinctively strike
The most sensitive, fragile part
When you decide you want out.
So I wouldn’t let myself love you.
But there’s a very good chance
That it would happen anyway,
And I think I would still be safe,
Because you wouldn’t let me either.
You’d remind me, often, why I shouldn’t,
And it would hurt so much I’d scream
And I think you’d hold me while I cry
(Or I hope so, at the very least.
Please, please don’t let me cry alone.)
And then you’d look me in the eye
And tell me flatly ‘you’ll be fine’.
You see, it simply wouldn’t matter.
I couldn’t ever impress, beg or steal
A different reaction out of you.
I could love you more than life itself
And it would mean absolutely nothing.
And you can’t understand that relief.
In a world where I think my actions
Can bring about the greatest disasters,
You give me something at which
I can hurl myself the whole day
And it wouldn’t even bother to budge.
I thought that it would be impossible
To ever let my passions truly unfold,
Because it would take a similar force
To keep me afloat, to keep myself
From giving too much. And I doubted
Anybody would ever feel that for me
(Maybe I’m not worth it. Or maybe
I’m just screwed up and these feelings,
These reactions are not things
That humans are supposed to have at all.
But that’s a story for another time.),
So I thought I was condemned to
Forever swallow those things down
And expect explosions if they ever escape.
But you. You are the second option,
The one that I didn’t know existed.
I could drown in you. I could let go.
And it would be Heaven, feeling it all.
And it would be Hell, because you wouldn’t,
And I would go around with that knowledge,
But you would also never take advantage,
Just let it unfold and enjoy the fire.
And no matter what, at the end of the day,
You’d still kick me out, trembling,
Satisfied, hurt, and gasping for air,
And above all, perfectly safe and whole,
And just right to come back tomorrow.

Cherry cake

Did you like this or did I?
Do I do it because of you or myself?
I’m desperately craving our cherry cake
But I know better than to trust the craving.
It’s been a while now. I’ve done fine.
Haven’t thought of you so much.
I’m starting to find myself again,
But it’s a complicated, painful process.
You know when two people are together
And the sense of ‘me’ and ‘you’ blurs,
There are things you do together,
And things that you both like
But you never would have on your own?
I’m trying to reclaim my parts,
But it’s like sifting through sand –
You can’t distinguish a single grain
But even if you do, you can’t pick it
Or else the whole mound would come down.
I know why it happens. It makes sense.
You should share things with your beloved.
It promotes empathy. You fight less.
But the aftermath is a disaster,
Because I loved you so completely,
My brain and heart opened wide
And swallowed your tastes, your opinions
And made them so seamlessly my own
That I lost my own voice to them.
I don’t know who I am anymore.
And I knew it would happen.
I was so, so very careful. That’s why
I dyed my hair blonde when you said black,
That’s why I had to remind myself
That I actually hate that tea of yours
And only drink it to keep you company
Whenever my tastebuds kept quiet,
Lulled into that semblance of pleasure
That only came from long exposure.
You were foolhardy. Some things I did,
You took them up so whole-heartedly
You can’t stop doing them even now,
Even though they always bring you
That painful reminder of me and what was.
I couldn’t afford that.
I did everything I could.
I kept things separate.
Threw out everything that
Didn’t come intrinsically from me
The second we broke apart.
I’m becoming me again.
But damn, I just can’t remember
Who liked the freaking cherry cake.

I just wanted to tell you

I just wanted to tell you

That I could only whisper to you

How impossible it would be to say to you

All the things that I feel like shouting.

I’m alternating between a maddening need

To bare my soul in front of your eyes

And let you caress and soothe my past,

And an overwhelming desire to hide it,

To pretend the ugly scars out of existence

So you may never have the opportunity

To think any less of me for them.

I just wanted to tell you

That I don’t really trust myself to speak

And I need your silence to be understanding,

But I want you to coax the words out of me

Because they’re cutting my tongue to pieces

In their restlessness to reach you.

I just wanted to tell you

That I love you, and let the deluge

Of the past and present and future

Choose to throw themselves off my lips

When I read the same answer in your eyes.

You are

You smell of sweat, the summer heat kind,

Of sticky sweets and laughter combined,

You smell of shared meals and long nights,

Of delicious things that draw out my bites.

 

You sound like a hot, subtly hinted accent,

Rolled, rounded vowels and tonal descent,

You sound like poorly supressed laughter,

And breathtakingly natural banter,

You sound like the moans I want to make,

And the rattle of my heart that you’ll break.

 

You are…

That’s a tough one. You are a dream come true.

You are a mystery to which I get only one clue.

An angel and a demon, both could be you.

You’re the novelty I somehow thought I knew.

You’re everything. I just wish you were mine too.