If karma is real

I always start by paying my dues,

Just in case karma is real.

There’s something wrong with requesting

Without giving something first,

Like taking money out of an empty account.

It sometimes works, but the wise never do it

Because it comes back with a bite.

So maybe my desires sound crazy,

Too much for too small a world,

But I would never dare even hope

For something I haven’t offered myself,

A couple times over, to make sure I’m worthy

And rack up a nice universal debt.

I firmly believe that everybody

Starts out with infinite potential.

It’s just a question of what I’m choosing to feed,

To get thrice over the doubt and suspicion

Or to foster what I want to make bloom.

So I always start with the assumption

That the world is good and kind,

And you, my darling, are the most

Amazing and wonderful of them all.

And you’ll have to work very hard indeed

To make me even consider that I am wrong.

Because, every once in a while,

I’m known to make a mistake or twenty,

And by then I want to have helped others up

Enough time to have a right to expect

You to already be reaching for me

When I lift a hand up, asking for help.

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Battle with myself

I hate it when you hurt, I dread it if you cry,
But sure I am allowed to care for my tears.
Of course I could let it all go, away to fly.
Ignore it all, the pain, all that my soul sears.
Just tell me if that’s what you want and I’ll let go
But still I wish you wouldn’t claim that I be my own shadow
‘Cause, goodness, how I fear I’d really do it so
And lose myself in the world’s dull and boring meadow.
For higher proof it isn’t that your heart wasn’t for me,
Not for the girl, the human, mortal, that always sins and errs,
But for that glassy-eyed perfection of distorted reality,
That not a semblance to my self could ever hope it bears.

And yet, in my deepest of hearts there is another pain,
Another fear, of myself this time, that I wouldn’t be able
To do it all, forget myself, still both my heart and brain,
And this be proved to be just brag of my soul’s unstable
That I’m not so much of an angel as I claim to be,
Not able to put you before, my happiness aside,
That there’d be one small part to say love’s less than me,
And that all my reproach and sadness is unjustified.
How mean of me, to accuse you for seeing angels in my place,
That are so far from who I am, I know they are. And so do you.
But still I am in this unreal quest, interminable chase
To make a martyr of myself, perfection coming true.

And all this while loving life, admiring what I am,
How can I contradict myself so much, how can I suffer such?
And every time I’m given paper I’m starting to condemn
You, life, myself, who cares, since it doesn’t leave a touch?
But now I realise my one and only disappointment,
The one I hid and tried to keep, so lazy and complacent
With which I always do delay that one final appointment,
But to which I can’t quite help but always be adjacent,
Is, plain and simple, just myself. I’m so not what I could,
And what I sometimes wish I was. I am indeed the vestige.
I badly need infinities of love, for making me feel good,
I’m sorry I chose you. But now I’d die, if you happen me neglige.

Please forgive me. For getting caught in the crossfire
Of the battle with myself. I have only one excuse
For risking ruining your life. But I can’t help admire
The light that ever comes from you, that turns my wounds into a bruise.

Arrogance

Oh, arrogance, just look at you!
Stinging with your head the blue.
You rise so high, a block of flats,
Too bad you don’t mind all your rats
Or cracked windows, broken sills,
Beauties turned to rubbish hills.
Yes, you’re great, you shadow me,
But you can’t even walk free
With your legs of dark concrete,
Moving up, but the same street.
Congrats for getting in my sun.
I might be small, but I can run,
I can move around your self,
Bitter, broken, dusty shelf.
And what’s the use of this vain quest?
You’ve stretched so far, you need to rest.
No one’s now higher than you,
None to obturate your view.
But the sun you’ll never reach –
Here comes your greatest breach.
You defeated all that was,
Now you’ve lost your every cause.
So, thank you, I’m better off,
I won’t die and I won’t cough
At your feet, living my life,
Growing and feeling alive.
And one day, by my own will,
I might want to try the thrill
And stretch far, yet more than you
And I’ll be the king, the new.
I might even reach the sky
If I will forever try –
Not the sun, too out of line,
But a little star of mine.
You see, arrogance, how bad
You have reached. It’s really sad.
That you’ll never get to see
How it is to simply be.

Shades of Grey

If stars and skies were to change place
To form a day with drops of lace,
Like sun in crystal drops of rain
Easing ground of heating pain,
There’s still be to interchange
Forces, two, to keep in range.
It’d be kept in white and black,
Switching forth or switching back.

But when they drop both lines and rules,
Drop and grab the force that pulls,
Step towards the grey outside,
Get themselves into the tide
Of a whole of friends and trust,
That’s when limits turn to dust,
Whites and blacks do get to mingle,
And there stands just grey left single.

This is what forms reality,
Not the shaded clarity,
Light and dark in proper spot,
Dry and wet, and cool and hot.
There’s no truth and no mistake
For they mingle when they shake.
We let go so we all win.
Sorrow’s joy long hidden twin.

Truth

Our love deserves the truth, no matter hard.
It will keep, for life so strong, however scarred.
But what is that my happy smile’s worth?
Not even a small lie, if that leads to rebirth?
Is truth worth the ever falling tears,
And yet more kept and swallowed through the years?
What’s so great about the black doomed knowledge
That forces between mind and world acknowledge?
Trust is one of man’s most precious gems, it’s true.
And yet earned easier in hide, what an ironic view!

I love to see in your dark eyes false tears,
When you pretend that gone are all my fears,
It’s just a lie, I know, on your beautiful lips,
It’s even better now, it’s more for which it keeps.
I could tell truth from lie and life from dream –
I wish not to. I like all things as they so seem.
I watch inside your warm deep eyes and see the truth.
Just turn around! Don’t kill a lie so early in its youth.
But my mind screams at me, so horrified,
How I betray the truth, once so much glorified.

It’s easier to hide, to choose nice over true,
But don’t blame me! You think you’d wish you knew?
We all wish handsome lies to never waver once
We wish us not to be in the distrusting’s dance,
To never have to question, and also never suffer.
But life would get so boring, if it wasn’t tougher.
I wish just for a pause. And then to hit replay,
And then I wouldn’t choose the wrong of the long way.
But, you know what, you’re right, as always. Be sincere.
It’s time I get to learn to live and choose the path that’s clear.

Wrong or Right

Your eyes, that stare at me blind,
Your eyes, that ask me just so kind
Do they? Could they know it too
How far I’ve come, how far from you?
How I wish that they would close!
How I wish no tears rose…
So that I hide, becloaked in night,
Hide from choosing wrong or right.
What is wrong, if it feels good?
What is right, but just a mood?
What a choice is to be made
If the meaning starts to fade?
Soul bleeds in rivers, red…
Too sad even to be said.
Close your eyes, tearful, blue!
Keep the judgement for you.
My heart saw that I have one,
That is done, again, is done…