There’s one thing worse than a problem with no solution –
There could always be a simple, wrong solution.
We know not to go grabbing strangers on the street,
But when someone’s already holding your hand,
Nobody teaches you the effort of not curling your fingers in
And clinging to that unexpected lifeline.
Nobody tells you about the pain
Of drowning, mouth closed, while dying of thirst.
Nobody quite understands, until they suddenly do,
How it is to have no refuge from the darkness.
You go running in your house and barricade the door;
It’s not quite that my problem already lives inside,
But that I have to open the door and invite it in
Day, after day, after day.
And I’m not sure if I’m instead waving my sanity goodbye,
But I guess that only leaves more space for guests
So won’t you join us for dinner?
Did you like this or did I?
Do I do it because of you or myself?
I’m desperately craving our cherry cake
But I know better than to trust the craving.
It’s been a while now. I’ve done fine.
Haven’t thought of you so much.
I’m starting to find myself again,
But it’s a complicated, painful process.
You know when two people are together
And the sense of ‘me’ and ‘you’ blurs,
There are things you do together,
And things that you both like
But you never would have on your own?
I’m trying to reclaim my parts,
But it’s like sifting through sand –
You can’t distinguish a single grain
But even if you do, you can’t pick it
Or else the whole mound would come down.
I know why it happens. It makes sense.
You should share things with your beloved.
It promotes empathy. You fight less.
But the aftermath is a disaster,
Because I loved you so completely,
My brain and heart opened wide
And swallowed your tastes, your opinions
And made them so seamlessly my own
That I lost my own voice to them.
I don’t know who I am anymore.
And I knew it would happen.
I was so, so very careful. That’s why
I dyed my hair blonde when you said black,
That’s why I had to remind myself
That I actually hate that tea of yours
And only drink it to keep you company
Whenever my tastebuds kept quiet,
Lulled into that semblance of pleasure
That only came from long exposure.
You were foolhardy. Some things I did,
You took them up so whole-heartedly
You can’t stop doing them even now,
Even though they always bring you
That painful reminder of me and what was.
I couldn’t afford that.
I did everything I could.
I kept things separate.
Threw out everything that
Didn’t come intrinsically from me
The second we broke apart.
I’m becoming me again.
But damn, I just can’t remember
Who liked the freaking cherry cake.
Everyone cracks into pieces sometimes –
It’s no wonder I became chipped too
But don’t expect me to hide my damage,
Ashamed and fearful of my past.
The events that shape who I am
Deserve more respect than to be ignored,
Shoved under the mat, erased, denied.
If you want you can see only the defect,
But I see the things I survived,
The things that made me stronger.
So I won’t hide my chips and cracks,
But bind them in shining gold,
Hoping, not dreading to catch your eye,
And show off my beautiful scars.
Maybe I look more fragmented now,
But I know the joints are actually
The places that will hold firmer
The next time I start to crack.
So I’m not afraid of breaking.
If anything, I’m looking forward to
The moment when I’m a crazy mingle
Of veins of cooper and silver and gold,
A work of art in tears and laughter,
The original porcelain in tiny bits,
Fragments within their mount of metal,
Each line a survival lesson in wisdom,
Turning pure china into precious stone.
You lips seared a brand into my skin,
So hot it masks the edge into pain
Drawing screams and moans in its wake.
There’s a spot on my back that you kissed
And the brand sank right through bones
All to the other side, into my heart,
Only the raised edge of your mark
To witness my complete surrender.
Do you even understand what you did,
You, master looking over his slave,
The pain, the shame of branding,
The disdain to myself that I let it,
That I let you own me so completely,
The disappointment that I can’t even
Hold onto it while the heat flickers
And licks its path through my soul,
Pulsing between my ears, my thighs…
So go on, brand me again, why let
Any inch of my skin without your mark,
Without the dark pulse of your power.
I don’t have any shame left for the world,
Whether or not they should see
What I already know to be true –
How utterly I belong to you.