Soul pieces

I’m serving you pieces of my soul
And your shrugged thank yous
Feel more like slaps in the face,
Salt to go into the wounds
I so willingly inflict on myself.
But it’s ok. Souls are organic.
Like plants, cutting little pieces
Only makes more flowers grow,
So maybe I’m keeping my heart open
For the completely wrong person,
But it makes so little difference.
The only right person is myself.
I can keep shouting all the wishes
Of what you should do for me
But, like the rules of genies,
The universe seems deaf to those,
So I’d rather wish you well instead,
And make sure there’s enough
Goodness to go around, and hopefully
It will somehow come to touch me too.
Take all the pieces you want,
And some of those you don’t want too.
I have enough to keep regrowing,
Reborn into the person I want to be.

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Let me

Let me rest my head on you,
Your heart beating a steady rhythm in my ear
Through the heat of your soft, perfumed skin.
Cradle my body, and let me cuddle, just once
A tight ball in the only place I feel safe.
I can taste the salt of your skin on my lips,
And it makes me intoxicated,
The only drink to bring that buzz to my fingertips,
Or to make you so bright and the world so dim.
Let me close my eyes against the spin of the room,
And use my other senses, secure in the knowledge
That I’m as oriented as I could ever be,
Held close by the center of my universe.
Let it unfurl in my belly,
That coil of thoughts and careful considerations,
Let me throw them all on the winds of passion,
And catch little bits of myself on the breeze.
Let me rediscover how it is to discover
The secrets of who I really am when I’m allowed,
When I trust us enough to be me.

Why I fell for you

I think I finally figured out
Why I fell for you of all people.
You make me feel so safe.
I have a bad track record with love.
The second I start to have feelings,
I’m already bracing for the disaster
And the people around me periodically
Make sure to reinforce that point.
I’m terrified of loving someone.
But I feel like I am safe with you,
Because it would never happen.
Not because I couldn’t love you –
My, there are so many reasons why
It would be the most natural thing,
A second of inattention, a slip.
I’d have to always be on my guard
So my heart wouldn’t run like a fool,
Full speed, searching for your arms.
But I wouldn’t let it happen,
Because the price is so much higher.
Everybody else broke pieces of me.
It hurt, but I’m excellent at puzzles,
So I just put myself back together,
Brushing up on my skills as I do,
Maybe rearranging some of my parts
In a way that I find that I like more
And have been meaning to for a while.
You, though. You are something else.
You have the power to shatter me,
To turn it into dust instead of pieces,
Not because you’d want to destroy me,
But you’d mean too much to me.
I’d let you far too deeply inside,
And you’d instinctively strike
The most sensitive, fragile part
When you decide you want out.
So I wouldn’t let myself love you.
But there’s a very good chance
That it would happen anyway,
And I think I would still be safe,
Because you wouldn’t let me either.
You’d remind me, often, why I shouldn’t,
And it would hurt so much I’d scream
And I think you’d hold me while I cry
(Or I hope so, at the very least.
Please, please don’t let me cry alone.)
And then you’d look me in the eye
And tell me flatly ‘you’ll be fine’.
You see, it simply wouldn’t matter.
I couldn’t ever impress, beg or steal
A different reaction out of you.
I could love you more than life itself
And it would mean absolutely nothing.
And you can’t understand that relief.
In a world where I think my actions
Can bring about the greatest disasters,
You give me something at which
I can hurl myself the whole day
And it wouldn’t even bother to budge.
I thought that it would be impossible
To ever let my passions truly unfold,
Because it would take a similar force
To keep me afloat, to keep myself
From giving too much. And I doubted
Anybody would ever feel that for me
(Maybe I’m not worth it. Or maybe
I’m just screwed up and these feelings,
These reactions are not things
That humans are supposed to have at all.
But that’s a story for another time.),
So I thought I was condemned to
Forever swallow those things down
And expect explosions if they ever escape.
But you. You are the second option,
The one that I didn’t know existed.
I could drown in you. I could let go.
And it would be Heaven, feeling it all.
And it would be Hell, because you wouldn’t,
And I would go around with that knowledge,
But you would also never take advantage,
Just let it unfold and enjoy the fire.
And no matter what, at the end of the day,
You’d still kick me out, trembling,
Satisfied, hurt, and gasping for air,
And above all, perfectly safe and whole,
And just right to come back tomorrow.

Cherry cake

Did you like this or did I?
Do I do it because of you or myself?
I’m desperately craving our cherry cake
But I know better than to trust the craving.
It’s been a while now. I’ve done fine.
Haven’t thought of you so much.
I’m starting to find myself again,
But it’s a complicated, painful process.
You know when two people are together
And the sense of ‘me’ and ‘you’ blurs,
There are things you do together,
And things that you both like
But you never would have on your own?
I’m trying to reclaim my parts,
But it’s like sifting through sand –
You can’t distinguish a single grain
But even if you do, you can’t pick it
Or else the whole mound would come down.
I know why it happens. It makes sense.
You should share things with your beloved.
It promotes empathy. You fight less.
But the aftermath is a disaster,
Because I loved you so completely,
My brain and heart opened wide
And swallowed your tastes, your opinions
And made them so seamlessly my own
That I lost my own voice to them.
I don’t know who I am anymore.
And I knew it would happen.
I was so, so very careful. That’s why
I dyed my hair blonde when you said black,
That’s why I had to remind myself
That I actually hate that tea of yours
And only drink it to keep you company
Whenever my tastebuds kept quiet,
Lulled into that semblance of pleasure
That only came from long exposure.
You were foolhardy. Some things I did,
You took them up so whole-heartedly
You can’t stop doing them even now,
Even though they always bring you
That painful reminder of me and what was.
I couldn’t afford that.
I did everything I could.
I kept things separate.
Threw out everything that
Didn’t come intrinsically from me
The second we broke apart.
I’m becoming me again.
But damn, I just can’t remember
Who liked the freaking cherry cake.

I just wanted to tell you

I just wanted to tell you

That I could only whisper to you

How impossible it would be to say to you

All the things that I feel like shouting.

I’m alternating between a maddening need

To bare my soul in front of your eyes

And let you caress and soothe my past,

And an overwhelming desire to hide it,

To pretend the ugly scars out of existence

So you may never have the opportunity

To think any less of me for them.

I just wanted to tell you

That I don’t really trust myself to speak

And I need your silence to be understanding,

But I want you to coax the words out of me

Because they’re cutting my tongue to pieces

In their restlessness to reach you.

I just wanted to tell you

That I love you, and let the deluge

Of the past and present and future

Choose to throw themselves off my lips

When I read the same answer in your eyes.

You are

You smell of sweat, the summer heat kind,

Of sticky sweets and laughter combined,

You smell of shared meals and long nights,

Of delicious things that draw out my bites.

 

You sound like a hot, subtly hinted accent,

Rolled, rounded vowels and tonal descent,

You sound like poorly supressed laughter,

And breathtakingly natural banter,

You sound like the moans I want to make,

And the rattle of my heart that you’ll break.

 

You are…

That’s a tough one. You are a dream come true.

You are a mystery to which I get only one clue.

An angel and a demon, both could be you.

You’re the novelty I somehow thought I knew.

You’re everything. I just wish you were mine too.

But I can wish

The sound of the rail. Mind the gap.

Faces coming and going on the tube map.

We travel that road so many times,

My laughter so loud to cover the signs.

I wish I would find the courage in me

To make you notice when I bump your knee,

To let my fingers linger in your hair,

And not make up reasons to seem I don’t care.

I want to put my palm on your cheek,

Turn you so you hold my gaze when we speak,

And dare lean forward, licking my lips,

Just in case you’ll let me leave our scripts.

You won’t. I know that. Makes me terrified.

So I stay a coward and I hide.

I can’t do it, put myself on that line

But I can wish, only wish, that you were mine.