I think I finally figured out
Why I fell for you of all people.
You make me feel so safe.
I have a bad track record with love.
The second I start to have feelings,
I’m already bracing for the disaster
And the people around me periodically
Make sure to reinforce that point.
I’m terrified of loving someone.
But I feel like I am safe with you,
Because it would never happen.
Not because I couldn’t love you –
My, there are so many reasons why
It would be the most natural thing,
A second of inattention, a slip.
I’d have to always be on my guard
So my heart wouldn’t run like a fool,
Full speed, searching for your arms.
But I wouldn’t let it happen,
Because the price is so much higher.
Everybody else broke pieces of me.
It hurt, but I’m excellent at puzzles,
So I just put myself back together,
Brushing up on my skills as I do,
Maybe rearranging some of my parts
In a way that I find that I like more
And have been meaning to for a while.
You, though. You are something else.
You have the power to shatter me,
To turn it into dust instead of pieces,
Not because you’d want to destroy me,
But you’d mean too much to me.
I’d let you far too deeply inside,
And you’d instinctively strike
The most sensitive, fragile part
When you decide you want out.
So I wouldn’t let myself love you.
But there’s a very good chance
That it would happen anyway,
And I think I would still be safe,
Because you wouldn’t let me either.
You’d remind me, often, why I shouldn’t,
And it would hurt so much I’d scream
And I think you’d hold me while I cry
(Or I hope so, at the very least.
Please, please don’t let me cry alone.)
And then you’d look me in the eye
And tell me flatly ‘you’ll be fine’.
You see, it simply wouldn’t matter.
I couldn’t ever impress, beg or steal
A different reaction out of you.
I could love you more than life itself
And it would mean absolutely nothing.
And you can’t understand that relief.
In a world where I think my actions
Can bring about the greatest disasters,
You give me something at which
I can hurl myself the whole day
And it wouldn’t even bother to budge.
I thought that it would be impossible
To ever let my passions truly unfold,
Because it would take a similar force
To keep me afloat, to keep myself
From giving too much. And I doubted
Anybody would ever feel that for me
(Maybe I’m not worth it. Or maybe
I’m just screwed up and these feelings,
These reactions are not things
That humans are supposed to have at all.
But that’s a story for another time.),
So I thought I was condemned to
Forever swallow those things down
And expect explosions if they ever escape.
But you. You are the second option,
The one that I didn’t know existed.
I could drown in you. I could let go.
And it would be Heaven, feeling it all.
And it would be Hell, because you wouldn’t,
And I would go around with that knowledge,
But you would also never take advantage,
Just let it unfold and enjoy the fire.
And no matter what, at the end of the day,
You’d still kick me out, trembling,
Satisfied, hurt, and gasping for air,
And above all, perfectly safe and whole,
And just right to come back tomorrow.