Break, broke, broken

Go on, break something already broken,

Dance on the crumbles, singing, if you will.

It makes little difference. Slightly more work

To hold and put together again.

But it’s the first crack that changes the stautus,

The first blemish between damaged and whole.

There’s a next step, destroyed, not just broken

But you’re a long way from having that force.

So go on, try to break something broken,

And leave the pure, whole things be.

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Soul pieces

I’m serving you pieces of my soul
And your shrugged thank yous
Feel more like slaps in the face,
Salt to go into the wounds
I so willingly inflict on myself.
But it’s ok. Souls are organic.
Like plants, cutting little pieces
Only makes more flowers grow,
So maybe I’m keeping my heart open
For the completely wrong person,
But it makes so little difference.
The only right person is myself.
I can keep shouting all the wishes
Of what you should do for me
But, like the rules of genies,
The universe seems deaf to those,
So I’d rather wish you well instead,
And make sure there’s enough
Goodness to go around, and hopefully
It will somehow come to touch me too.
Take all the pieces you want,
And some of those you don’t want too.
I have enough to keep regrowing,
Reborn into the person I want to be.

Just a cat

I’m just a kitten to you, aren’t I?
I’ve been so proud of my claws and fangs
I forgot that I’m still something small
That looks fluffy and adorable to you,
But you could grab the scruff of my neck,
Pick me up and throw me across the room
If I ever sank those tiny claws too much.
I forgot you were just indulging me
While I purred what I thought were roars,
And batted so viciously at things
That you had made sure in advance
Could never strike back at me.
I forgot that for all my ‘hunting’ skill
I come back to the bowl you fill for me,
And rub against your legs for attention.
I just forgot. I’ve grown, indeed,
From the little ball of fur you first saw
To something that does have fangs.
But I think my eyes only grew now
Because I just realized what I am.
A Bengal – but the cat, not the tiger.
You were the latter. I looked at you
And let the similarities fool me,
Believed my spots to be the real deal
And thought myself already a leopard.
But that’s ok. I’m still growing.
You never know what I’ll end up becoming.
Or maybe I’ll become wiser instead,
And learn to purr and look adorable
Before I launch straight for the eyes
Of those who I fool into approaching.
I only mustn’t forget that I’m just a cat.

Good for you

The warmth grows with the flush,
Spreading down to your core
And it should be uncomfortable
But it’s a bit like getting a hug,
You forget for a moment
That you need your blanket
And to burrow in its dark security.
The liquid should sting maybe,
But you actually revel in the water,
Its steady flow calming
And the cold air on your wet face
Is a soothing kind of meditation.
And you moan and gasp for breath
But there’s words beneath there,
And it’s the first time in forever
That you actually let them out,
And their release more than makes up
For the pain of their escape.
We are conditioned to avoid pain,
But it’s tiring to keep pushing down,
The pressure steadily increasing.
Every once in a while,
It might be good to let yourself fall
To the depths of your personal abyss,
Get reacquainted with what lives there,
And after you understand them,
Make order from within.

Sometimes, crying is good for you.

Let me

Let me rest my head on you,
Your heart beating a steady rhythm in my ear
Through the heat of your soft, perfumed skin.
Cradle my body, and let me cuddle, just once
A tight ball in the only place I feel safe.
I can taste the salt of your skin on my lips,
And it makes me intoxicated,
The only drink to bring that buzz to my fingertips,
Or to make you so bright and the world so dim.
Let me close my eyes against the spin of the room,
And use my other senses, secure in the knowledge
That I’m as oriented as I could ever be,
Held close by the center of my universe.
Let it unfurl in my belly,
That coil of thoughts and careful considerations,
Let me throw them all on the winds of passion,
And catch little bits of myself on the breeze.
Let me rediscover how it is to discover
The secrets of who I really am when I’m allowed,
When I trust us enough to be me.

Something

The somethings that you say to someones,
And sometimes the desperate anythings,
Do you think it’s to avoid that no one
Would be there to share your everythings?

It’s ok. We all do some things some times
That make us cringe and wish for anything else,
But it’s fine as long as it’s not every time.
Nothing lasts forever, anyways.

Just make sure that nothing makes you forget
That no one deserves you give your everything.
Until someone can handle anything of you,
Let this little something be a reminder to you.

Why I fell for you

I think I finally figured out
Why I fell for you of all people.
You make me feel so safe.
I have a bad track record with love.
The second I start to have feelings,
I’m already bracing for the disaster
And the people around me periodically
Make sure to reinforce that point.
I’m terrified of loving someone.
But I feel like I am safe with you,
Because it would never happen.
Not because I couldn’t love you –
My, there are so many reasons why
It would be the most natural thing,
A second of inattention, a slip.
I’d have to always be on my guard
So my heart wouldn’t run like a fool,
Full speed, searching for your arms.
But I wouldn’t let it happen,
Because the price is so much higher.
Everybody else broke pieces of me.
It hurt, but I’m excellent at puzzles,
So I just put myself back together,
Brushing up on my skills as I do,
Maybe rearranging some of my parts
In a way that I find that I like more
And have been meaning to for a while.
You, though. You are something else.
You have the power to shatter me,
To turn it into dust instead of pieces,
Not because you’d want to destroy me,
But you’d mean too much to me.
I’d let you far too deeply inside,
And you’d instinctively strike
The most sensitive, fragile part
When you decide you want out.
So I wouldn’t let myself love you.
But there’s a very good chance
That it would happen anyway,
And I think I would still be safe,
Because you wouldn’t let me either.
You’d remind me, often, why I shouldn’t,
And it would hurt so much I’d scream
And I think you’d hold me while I cry
(Or I hope so, at the very least.
Please, please don’t let me cry alone.)
And then you’d look me in the eye
And tell me flatly ‘you’ll be fine’.
You see, it simply wouldn’t matter.
I couldn’t ever impress, beg or steal
A different reaction out of you.
I could love you more than life itself
And it would mean absolutely nothing.
And you can’t understand that relief.
In a world where I think my actions
Can bring about the greatest disasters,
You give me something at which
I can hurl myself the whole day
And it wouldn’t even bother to budge.
I thought that it would be impossible
To ever let my passions truly unfold,
Because it would take a similar force
To keep me afloat, to keep myself
From giving too much. And I doubted
Anybody would ever feel that for me
(Maybe I’m not worth it. Or maybe
I’m just screwed up and these feelings,
These reactions are not things
That humans are supposed to have at all.
But that’s a story for another time.),
So I thought I was condemned to
Forever swallow those things down
And expect explosions if they ever escape.
But you. You are the second option,
The one that I didn’t know existed.
I could drown in you. I could let go.
And it would be Heaven, feeling it all.
And it would be Hell, because you wouldn’t,
And I would go around with that knowledge,
But you would also never take advantage,
Just let it unfold and enjoy the fire.
And no matter what, at the end of the day,
You’d still kick me out, trembling,
Satisfied, hurt, and gasping for air,
And above all, perfectly safe and whole,
And just right to come back tomorrow.